D-day5 February, 2019
Beveren, Saturday, january 12th, 2019
It is 4.00 a.m. in the morning. Unfortunately, I spent a short night there again. I enjoy the last day in Schoofland, in Beveren, now for 23 years my home, my nest.
It does strange to sit here in an empty room with only a folding table and two chairs, my laptop and instant coffee. More is not only the hollow sounds of my strumming the keyboard. It almost hurts the ears, it is so quiet here. Wim is fortunately still sleeping, because he was tired yesterday after the hectic day of the move. Yesterday it was still quite full here with boxes, furniture, all stacked. Our lives in a few boxes. Our lives are currently in a big trailer, waiting for Sunday to be brought to a new home under the sun. I feel displaced, I feel empty and yet full, full of expectations, full of dreams that become truth. Yesterday I suddenly became overwhelmed with feelings when I came home to this enormous living space. It was so confrontational to see this table, lonely and alone, and then Wim, almost lost in the spot that is now 10 years his nest. We have been through a lot here. A lot of grief, but also a lot of warmth, a lot of joy. It is the place of being together, being together with the children, with my brothers and parents, with close friends, nice neighbours … We have enjoyed beautiful and sometimes profound conversations, we have roared with laughter, we have tears resigned from intense emotions, we cuddled here, enjoyed good food, in short, it was our home. It will be strange if we close the door behind us for the last time. That this will soon withdraw another couple, all convertible to their taste, and will write their own story. Here new life will be born in the spring, within a few months a baby will crawl around here and be amazed about the world it will discover. It is beautiful, it is a nice feeling that this house will become a warm home for young people who will build a new future together.
We pass the torch on.
On Thursday, I had given a farewell drink for my colleagues. It was a beautiful evening. Everyone who was had the night of, was just there. Even people whom I have only sporadically seen. And yet they gave me a very warm welcome and farewell. I feel so rich that I am so loved. I can hardly believe it at times. It is such a big contrast to the way in which I left my previous work. I never worked with such nice people around me before. I never felt more at home in my job, I never enjoyed any workday anymore, nowhere else am I more daring and being able to be myself than in the Poppy. I learned more than anywhere that I am loved more by being myself than by ‘wanting to belong’. Authenticity, purity, openness makes yourself so much more beautiful, so much more sincere, so much stronger. It is a message I would like to pass on in Lavinia, it is my personal message for whom will be our guest.
Throw away your masks, throw away your shield, show who you are, deep inside, whether you do it naked or dressed, that does not matter. Everyone makes his own choice. Grow into the most beautiful person you can be. Dare to open up to others, make you receptive to others, learn to listen, to what the other really is really saying. People are sometimes so beautiful, but only if you want to see it. It’s so cliché but looks are at the latest. And okay, I want to look good, wear nice clothes, make me up now and then. And that is, you can. But honestly, which people are the most attractive? People who radiate something, people who have ‘it’. People whom you feel, are beautiful, who open their hearts. I really feel like naming names, but I do not consciously do this, because I do not want to forget people. The beautiful people I have met in my life are in my heart, and they are going with me to Spain. They have colored my life, piece by piece. I cherish the beautiful moments and memories with them, and I look forward to seeing them again, even if it may take a while. But this is not bad; distance is bridgeable. The modern media gives you all the possibilities for this. I do not worry about it. Perhaps I will know moments of homesickness, perhaps of loneliness. Because unfortunately, loneliness is far from unknown. But the loneliness I once felt was strangely often loneliness in the presence of people.
I want to explore that other world, to meet new people, to write new stories. Add beautiful people in my heart. It is exciting, it is a challenge, it is fascinating. I am so grateful that I have Wim on my side, my support, my soul, my soulmate, my buddy. I am glad that together we can pursue a shared dream. I am particularly curious and sometimes can not wait to know what our life will look like in a few years. But above all I want time for We-time now, for Me-time. Just obtained from the past hectic months. That is why we will do the ride to there at a slow pace. We have time. We take time. We can see where we are stranding tonight, we only continue our feelings, listening to what our body tells us.
I’m going to work now because we still have some work ahead of us before we can leave.